Have I actually found it?

My blogginh mojo i mean. Hmm I wonder. Hehe. I suddenly have tis urge to write. Xthing specific, just random stuff. Mb coz I just miss writing as much as I miss travelling. I notice since I stopped blogging, my language has become so rusty & that's obviously not gud. & I also have not bn reading. Not bn exercising. Not bn wearing heels. Not bn wearing make up. Not bn dressing decently & appropriately for office as well as for leisure. Not bn taking care of my house (tis seriusly hasn't bn done in months!). Not bn emphasising & helping dhani enuf wit his sch matters. 

Haha sounds like I haven't bn living at all! Wat i have bn doing is that I've bn steadily gaining A LOT of weight. Seriusly, like so much weight. Darn! I'm overweight in fact. I nd to lose like at least 7kg, but ideally it shud be 10-12kg. How am I possibly gonna do that? Die lah!

I did try running only like twice. I actually loved it. But frankly, I appreciate my rest days more than my love for running. Work's bn taking a toll on me that wenever I'm free of work, I wud prefer to spend it wit either sleep, being wit dhani or both. That explains the condition my house is in now. One word: horrible. Hehe. & that explains why I haven't bn inviting anyone or even letting anyone visit us. The only visitors accepted are dhani's frens. I hope they wudnt tell their parents how messy dhani's house is. Huh. 

How's dhani? Owh he's great! Getting taller tho amongst his frens he's almost the smallest. He's enjoying sch. He can play badminton. Can u freaking believe that? He plays badminton & he's quite gud at it. He still goes to drum class but I admit I'm fully responsible for his poor attendance resulting in his not so excellent drum skill acquisition these days. But I promise I'll improve. 

Above is picture collage fr my ig. I'm now active @ ig but I assure u that u wudnt see my selfie like every 5 min la. These photos were fr our getaways. 

& now... I miss being away. 

Toodles!

Been more than a year...

And at least 7kg heavier. Hah.
So we meet again. I plan to start blogging again tho i realize almost everyone I know who used to blog do not blog anymore these days.
2014, insyaAllah, I'll blog. So see u in 2014, dear ahmadmiracle.

what will...

What will I be years from now?
What will I wear? How will I look?
I think too much.. I think too much

Sometimes it's scary over thinking,
What you have or haven't done,
You think too much.. You think too much

Will the rain smell the same?
Will I lose in treacherous games?
And the stars might shine but colors seem so blurry,
Will i end up all alone without a shoulder to cry on

(chorus)
What will I be years from now,
I have answered them but none have answered me,
And when my time has come,
I hope my last seconds in this life will have you,
Will have you

Will the rain smell the same?
Will I lose in treacherous games?
And neglect most people who seem so worthy,
Will I end up all alone without a shoulder to cry on

(chorus)
What will I be years from now,
I have answered them but none have answered me,
And when my time has come,
I hope my last seconds in this life will have you,
Will have you.

pap pap padaaaa….

the answer is, u'll never know :) & fear o the unknown is the greatest fear o all. trust me, i've bn thru it & i'm ashamed to admit that these days pon kadang2 i think too much & it just kills me. haish.

the song above is sang by aizat. really nice & catchy song. i fell in love the 1st time i listened to it. a brpther @ nstp was super kind to dowdload songs for me, bgtau je lagu ape & he'd find it & send it thru watsapp. see, i'm well-loved kan? hee.

so my playlist now only consists o my fav songs: mostly indo songs. dewa, radja, ungu, padi, judika, d'masiv etc etc etc. sprinkled wit some adele's & bruno mars. since wen lah aku layan bruno mars? but his songs just amazingly tell my stories, konon lah.

& there's a song by firman, another indo band kot? ada cik abe sent thru watsapp. owh my! lagu yg sgt bercinta. i put it on repeat mode smpaikn ahmad nani can now sing the chorus! special song fr someone very very very special :) betapa specialnye lah org tu smpaikn tulis 3x special. he wont be reading tis so, it's ok ;p

wat's latest o us? dhani's enjoying his sch break. tv, utube, psp, tv, utube, psp: not necessarily in that order. we also watch movie wenever we could (read: bile mummy got RM lah). me? i've changed job. yeay! alhamdulillah, the ofis is now much nearer to my house & also dhani's sch. sgt sgt sgt dekat. alhamdulillah, i cant bersyukur enuf for rezeki Allah has given me & dhani. i think i've got a better prospect here. i hope i could shoulder the responsibility, insyaAllah.

ok, gotta go back to work.
tata.

stress buster 101

i certainly need to make effort to come here more often.

 

yesterday was a gud day for ahmad nani. he got off the car calmly, stepped into the sch gate, greeted the teacher on duty & walked beside his frens to cls. alhamdulillah.

 

so i figured, if he wud be ok tis morning, i might visit the gym. & he was ok 2day.

 

the gym is located @ level 2. my ofis @ level 5. it's equipped wit toilet & washrooms, wit hot & cold showers, lockers, water dispenser, flat screen tvs - the ususal gym stuff.



 

it was a gud 30m on the treadmill. that was all i could afford. time. time. time.

now i'm contemplating to get an exercise bike @ home. but will i be discipline enuf to fully utilise it, that's a big question there.

i shud come earlier so i could get on the elliptical cross trainer, the exercise bike, the multi gyms and mb pump some iron.

it's not to trim the waistline, it's stress buster 101 :)

life...

has so much in store for u...

bahagian masing2... rite now, life's gud. except for the fact that my boy's bn having a hard time @ sch. getting him settled @ sch every morning has become a struggle for us both.

& now, i'm dreading sch for all the tantrums he throws almost daily. the tuesday aft msia day 2 weeks back was the worst episode so far & i pray it wont happen again. kesian ank. aku mcm org ilang akal dh. i really became a mom fr hell. i spanked him & spanked him hard at places i shudnt hav touched. i said things a mother shud never hav said. gosh. & he came home wit a fever that lasted for days.

ever since the episode, i dunno how to handle him anymore. makin dipujuk, makin menjadi. mcm dibuat2 pulak. he expects me to stay @ sch, accompany him thruout sch session. die ingat mak die ni lady o leisure, duit jatuh dr langit agaknye. nk tukar sch pon doesnt seem like a solution. wat if it's the same? bkn senang tukar skolah + wic sch can i send him to? the arrangement now is perfect already. kalau tukar sch in SD, i need to get new transit center. ntah reliable ntah x. & mcm lah it's guaranteed kwn2 @ new sch will be all nice to him...

we went to see the counselling teacher. a fren ckp apsal la dhani kecik2 dh kn kaunselling. & i was speechless. masalah sgt ke ank aku smpai kn jumpe cikgu kaunseling? during the session i discovered that some kids have bn mean to him, x bg duduk sama during recess la, ejek die lari cam siput ms sukaneka la, itu la, ini la. cikgu pujuk mcm2. so i thot it ended there.

the nxt week, he did it again, refused to be left at sch. minta i accompany him @ assembly & i did. smpai sch 730am, by 830am i was stil there. the whole sch witnessed him crying. i left @ 835am, he sat @ bilik HEM.

the nxt day menangis lagi. headmistress was @ sch gate, saw him crying & gave him a hug. i heard in his sob, "saya nk a**h saya...". & i left.

malas nk layan. cepat la bsr & paham that it's gonna be u & your mom now. it's bn almost 3 years already. 3 or 2, i've lost count sbb i have so many other things to deal wit apart fr kira dh bape tahun i've bn divorced.

no wonder many single moms yg opt to trust their kids in the care of the grandparents so they can focus on building their careers, straighten up theit lives, get new boifrens etc etc etc. sigh.

please ahmad dhani, we have to work tis out. i'm so very very very worried now. dgn awk yg getting thinner & thinner as days gone by... asyik x sihat... i feel like such an inadequate mom.

kdg2 terfikir wud it hav bn easier if a father was to be present at all time?

usaha cara lain. the ustaz here has bn kind enuf to make air penawar for him. being a single mum, u're prone to become buah mulut org, sakat ejek org wen u become close to a guy. i couldnt care less anymore. even your close frens make fun o u. mb that's why i prefer to stay away fr frens at the moment. x sanggup nk jd bahan lawak, i dont think i could keep a stright face bile org ridicule me rite now. & takut x boleh kawal diri i might burst into tears, i might lose it & there goes year2 & years o frenship. so for now, i might as well keep away.

i'm so wrapped up in tis that i've failed to be sensitive of other things that are happening around me.

a dear fren lost her eldest sister last week. i knew exactly how she felt, having lost my dear father wen i was abroad in early 2010. alFatihah. dear rozie, aku doakn Allah bg kau ketabahan...

life... wat doesnt kill u could just make u stronger... i wonder if that's true...

dh raya pon ;)

ya rabbi bz nya aft raya, now only i managed to find time to wipe the dust off tis blog.

kite balik raya on friday nite, we pushed off at 12am, reached tmn u @ 3am lebih kurang.

 

brg unt 2 org, tp cam unt 5 org. then there was all sorts o hampers, cookies yg berkotak2, daging seberat 15kg. kereta dh mcm lori pick up. & wen we arrived, long & family had already gone back to segamat, their other kg. luckily alang's bibik was there, ever ready to help us unload. thank god!

the nxt day we had to go balik kg to gelang patah. there were only 2 o us so we took our own sweet time, bgn 12pm, siap2 then went to jpo. sedar x sedar 6pm baru keluar!

tgk mat ni happy sakan sbb dh pakai raya attire. cap courtesy o aunt rozie, all the way fr doha. he loves loves loves it!

below is my auntie, mong, my mom's sister, preparing her famous serunding kelapa + daging. my favourite! mkn ngan burasak, a bugis traditional juadah raya. mong is not married. she took care o my late grandparents. aft arwah bakwe's demise (my late grandfather), she had several suitors, but she declined all, saying that she's got her anak2 sdara, cucu2 sdara to menumpang kasih. we love her to bits! she recently built a huge house wit 4 bedrooms & a big livingroom to accommodate us during raya. tis was where i & my son spent our 1st raya. she was thankful we were around, we were thankful that she opened her door for us. if not, ntah mane nk tuju. hehe. guess tu la yg agak lemah wen u're a single mom & your parents are no longer around. mb nxt year shud mong decide to join my uncle beraya @ pekan, me & dhani will beraya in hong kong! haha.

our raya attires. baju x siap so sila pakai jubah. & i forgot to bring ahmad dhani's sampin & he at first refused to go for smayang raya sbb tu. geram!

my 4th sister was also celebrating raya @ mong's. ini adalah kerana mereka terkucil wit my BIL's sister. hehehe. in a away, i'm blessed for not having to deal wit marriage/in-laws crisis as such.

& again we went to jpo on 1st raya. haha mmg xde arah tujuan since my sisters only came back on late afternoon o 2nd raya. there's dhani in dragon tail snow cap, 10 inggit @ universal traveller jpo. hehe.

how's that for raya shoes? 26 inggit fr vinci jpo. & i wore them only once!

another raya shot on 2nd raya nite wen all o us went to beraya @ mong's. by then kiteorg dh kumpul @ long's.

that's me in purple wen everyone else was wearing pink! family photography session was held on 3rd raya aft all my sisters got back fr their in-laws' places. ni lah kaum hawa in our big family. the eldest is my long, 45yo & youngest is our lovely aish, aged 2.

we went beraya @ kg on 3rd raya aft we paid visit to atok & nenek. that's dhani wit his same-aged cousin, ajim. & that's dina, ajim's sister. they're both my 5th sister's kids. anak k biah.

had frens come over on 4th raya. aunt dd, aunt ninie & aunt gjie.

so raya was stil raya, meriah & all. alhamdulillah :)

5th raya, we were off to langkawi. seronok walau now i'm broke like @#%^&!!!

lusa hari raya

yes, x sedar. i'm stil at the ofis tho, writing tis entry in between completing proposals & budgets & crossing my fingers for a yes fr new manager unt get off work, if not two, one hour early pon xpe. i havent packed anything yet. raya stuff still @ SD home. we went back only once aft a month. the dust is already an inch thick! i plan to sweep & mop the floor at least b4 we go back for raya coz rite aft raya we need to move back into our own crib.

not much xtvt in ramadhan. didnt even go for berbuka gempak @ hotels ke ape. but alhamdulillah, managed to catch up wit dear family & close frens.

went to visit aunt rozie & family one fine afternoon @ jb. they look great & i feel so happy for them esp dear fren, rozie. alhamdulillah, btul kata rozie, hijrah yg membawa keberkatan. rozie nmpak sihat, happier than i last saw her & much slimmer too! jeles i yg gumuks ni! :p

sempat pegi visit & berbuka wit atok, mak wan, along, acik & umairah walau we arrived @ 745pm. alhamdulillah dpt dhani berbuka wit his granparents & cousins. seronok the kids. mak made us some raya cookies, mmg x penah lupa every year :) 

returning fr mak wan we went to visit aunt dd, uncle mudon, k1 & afan. we arrived at 10ish. heee cam x blaja adab menziarah kwn2. that was the only time i could allocate. but aunt kay & jib came later. hahaha. nsb lah dh berkawan more than 20 years, masing2 dh kenal perangai. these are the friends who have become my sisters, the kind who wud stick around thru thick & thin, come wat may i guess... walau at times ade terasa ati, tersentap, terkucil sana sini situ sikit... but we love each oth stil. & the kids love to be around each oth too :)

we had dinner wit mak atik & mikel. bn months since we last saw them. ntah ape mak atik kecik ati wit us, kite pon x tau. i kinda miss hanging out wit them. i honestly told her that i dont want her to keep a distance fr us, she's literally my baby sister & that i want dhani grow up loving mikel & treating him like his own brother. she must have bn very hurt that watever i said has fallen on deaf ears. sigh.

wat's our raya plan? i have two: 1) beraya sakan smpai lebam. go visit every all close frens & attend watever invitation fr whoever OR 2) stay home, lock the door, layan running man & catch up on movies that we missed, go out only to get s'thing to eat. i'd probably do the latter, it's sound easier to accomplish. hehe.

duit raya dh setel seawal week 2 of ramadhan. vr convenient coz a colleague o ours helped us to get the crisp newly printed notes for us. alhamdulillah.

kuih raya agak menyalah2 sikit. silap order so ended up i didnt get the roll cakes. xpe la. we can always take half of dhani's mama's portion. hehe.

i went to clinic tis afternoon to get meds supply just in case i catch demam raya. hehe.

web check in for our (mis)scheduled langkawi trip's settled. i sooo need tis getaway, raya or not. but now dh contemplating sbb as usual mestilah kakak@ bising. sebenarnye x kesah pon if they make noise je but then dhani's mama lah dok pujuk2 not to go. haish. i sooo need a getaway where i can be wit my son, alone.

& here's my son. dh besar, dh bleh pakai kain pelikat la la la la... ;)

& here's wat happend bgn pagi. hehe.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA

& MAAF ZAHIR BATIN

selamat balik kg, safe journey semua :)