life...

has so much in store for u...

bahagian masing2... rite now, life's gud. except for the fact that my boy's bn having a hard time @ sch. getting him settled @ sch every morning has become a struggle for us both.

& now, i'm dreading sch for all the tantrums he throws almost daily. the tuesday aft msia day 2 weeks back was the worst episode so far & i pray it wont happen again. kesian ank. aku mcm org ilang akal dh. i really became a mom fr hell. i spanked him & spanked him hard at places i shudnt hav touched. i said things a mother shud never hav said. gosh. & he came home wit a fever that lasted for days.

ever since the episode, i dunno how to handle him anymore. makin dipujuk, makin menjadi. mcm dibuat2 pulak. he expects me to stay @ sch, accompany him thruout sch session. die ingat mak die ni lady o leisure, duit jatuh dr langit agaknye. nk tukar sch pon doesnt seem like a solution. wat if it's the same? bkn senang tukar skolah + wic sch can i send him to? the arrangement now is perfect already. kalau tukar sch in SD, i need to get new transit center. ntah reliable ntah x. & mcm lah it's guaranteed kwn2 @ new sch will be all nice to him...

we went to see the counselling teacher. a fren ckp apsal la dhani kecik2 dh kn kaunselling. & i was speechless. masalah sgt ke ank aku smpai kn jumpe cikgu kaunseling? during the session i discovered that some kids have bn mean to him, x bg duduk sama during recess la, ejek die lari cam siput ms sukaneka la, itu la, ini la. cikgu pujuk mcm2. so i thot it ended there.

the nxt week, he did it again, refused to be left at sch. minta i accompany him @ assembly & i did. smpai sch 730am, by 830am i was stil there. the whole sch witnessed him crying. i left @ 835am, he sat @ bilik HEM.

the nxt day menangis lagi. headmistress was @ sch gate, saw him crying & gave him a hug. i heard in his sob, "saya nk a**h saya...". & i left.

malas nk layan. cepat la bsr & paham that it's gonna be u & your mom now. it's bn almost 3 years already. 3 or 2, i've lost count sbb i have so many other things to deal wit apart fr kira dh bape tahun i've bn divorced.

no wonder many single moms yg opt to trust their kids in the care of the grandparents so they can focus on building their careers, straighten up theit lives, get new boifrens etc etc etc. sigh.

please ahmad dhani, we have to work tis out. i'm so very very very worried now. dgn awk yg getting thinner & thinner as days gone by... asyik x sihat... i feel like such an inadequate mom.

kdg2 terfikir wud it hav bn easier if a father was to be present at all time?

usaha cara lain. the ustaz here has bn kind enuf to make air penawar for him. being a single mum, u're prone to become buah mulut org, sakat ejek org wen u become close to a guy. i couldnt care less anymore. even your close frens make fun o u. mb that's why i prefer to stay away fr frens at the moment. x sanggup nk jd bahan lawak, i dont think i could keep a stright face bile org ridicule me rite now. & takut x boleh kawal diri i might burst into tears, i might lose it & there goes year2 & years o frenship. so for now, i might as well keep away.

i'm so wrapped up in tis that i've failed to be sensitive of other things that are happening around me.

a dear fren lost her eldest sister last week. i knew exactly how she felt, having lost my dear father wen i was abroad in early 2010. alFatihah. dear rozie, aku doakn Allah bg kau ketabahan...

life... wat doesnt kill u could just make u stronger... i wonder if that's true...